I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
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Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
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All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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