if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
