as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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