i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize