I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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