ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
