Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
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There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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