guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
