My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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