can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
