Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
