Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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