So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
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WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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