don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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