I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
