My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
