Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
