I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
