sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
