I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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