Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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