Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
