everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
