You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
did i walk over a car last night?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize