a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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