it wasn't lemon gatorade
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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