It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
