If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This is the high leading the old right now
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
