Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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