dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
so much tequila, so little girl.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
