I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
