btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
