you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
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I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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