I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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