you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
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