I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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