apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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