I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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