As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
