Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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