According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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