About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
