sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
organizing the empties. That sober.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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