i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
