I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
