I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
