We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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