You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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