I think I won the penis lottery.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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