I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
