I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
