so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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