If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
