I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
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strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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