Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
