If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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