I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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